I started writing this post a little while ago, stopped and now I'm sat here writing it again. The feeling of being vulnerable has been a feeling that for as long as I can remember has petrified me to the point that even writing about it scared me. In life there are many times we feel vulnerable, some based around situations, we may feel vulnerable to something bad happening...I'm often quick to acknowledge situations like these and get myself as far away as possible. We may feel vulnerable when we show people the real us, how we think, what we do and how we see ourselves. We let ourselves open to be judged, to be laughed at or not taken seriously, especially when we see ourselves as pretty different from a lot of people. But then there comes another type of vulnerability, the feeling you get when you let yourself get attached to someone, I know the word 'attached' comes with an awful lot of connotations, but I don't know how else to describe it. Feeling vulnerable when you start to grow feelings for someone, or start to grow a friendship with someone is hard to shake, you don't want to be cold or not be yourself yet you don't want to get hurt. The decisions you have to make to let yourself feel something for them, or to put a barrier up and close down any chances of ever letting them hurt you is so difficult...I mean you want to love and be loved in return so sometimes we smile, embrace it and wear our heart on our sleeves.
I've been hurt in the past, by people I considered 'friends', looking back on it now it makes me laugh because I was never truly myself around them, and when I was I felt judged. I thought they were the type of friends I needed in my life and therefore I grew an attachment to them, but that later came to bite me in the arse when they dropped me just like that. It hurt for a while and since then I've been cautious not to get too close to people, or to open up to people as much as before; I know that can turn on you in the end, when you feel vulnerable to people knowing too much about you (and yes just because I post a lot on social media doesn't mean I share my inner most thoughts).
Sometimes I think If I could go back, I'd do things differently, I wouldn't try so hard to be a different person around those people that clearly didn't care about our friendship, I'd also try to not get attached to the people that broke my heart or maybe I'd just try to be a stronger person so that it all didn't hurt so much. But even if I could go back, would I make all the same mistakes as before? It's so hard to always know what to do, or what to say, we make mistakes and ones we can't take back, we let people get to close to us and we allow ourselves to get to close to other people. But is that just a part of life and something we have no power over?
I've never really talked about anything like this before and it's something I feel only now is something I want to share, because at the minute, right in this very moment I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable within relationships I have, I feel vulnerable in posting pictures of myself and hoping that people will like them, I feel vulnerable in letting you all hear what I have to say. I'm sometimes scared to write posts like this, and open up about things that are currently on my mind but reading inspiring posts from
Holly - Holly Loves The Simple Things and
Em McGuire- The Messy Edit I feel like it's okay to open up, to share to the world what's on my mind (even if just in little chunks) and writing to me is a way of dealing and coping with any feelings I have. I just can't explain it but somehow typing away frantically at my laptop, pouring my heart out about how I feel, it helps. It puts things into perspective, and in my perspective the feeling of vulnerability is scary, it's raw but I have to understand it's only human
Raw emotions are sometimes hard to come across, because these are usually the feelings and emotions people try and conceal, possibly to protect them from getting hurt or admitting they aren't always as strong as they make out to be. I've always wanted to be strong, not always in strength (because lets face it my arms are considerably weak) but headstrong. I wanted to be the type of girl that looks confident, knows what she wants and is out to get it. But being that type of girl, I also have to admit to things I struggle with, things like always seeing the good in people, which yes, isn't ALWAYS a bad thing, but can be. I choose to see the good in people first, I have such a big heart which means the more the merrier and seeing the good in people first means that I view them highly. I view these people as people who couldn't do wrong, by themselves and by me. So, when that person hurts me I feel ashamed, not just of them but of myself, for letting myself get attached.
Over the years, I've learnt not to get as attached as I have before, because I've learnt that you can be friends with people for 5 years and they will still turn on you in the end, I've learnt that people can treat you nicely one minute and awful the next, I've learnt that people will walk all over you if you are TOO nice and let them mess you around. SO WHAT DO I DO?? This is sometimes the question I ask myself when I'm feeling upset about the way someone is treating me. Most times I don't even know how to answer it, and a lot of the time I put it to the back of my mind hoping it will get lost in my thoughts and forgotten about. But I can't forget about it. And I can't not admit that sometimes I feel the most vulnerable when I'm myself. Yes I am myself almost ALL of the time, but that means I say things that come straight to mind, I overuse the phrase 'I love you' because it's how I feel, I get my hopes up all the time, and feel crushed and disappointed when plans get cancelled... and one other thing is that I hope that people will like me and not be horrible to me if I'm always myself.
I can't change though, even If I try and tell myself not to get attached to people in order to stop feeling so damn vulnerable, I can't, it's just in me, It's the type of person I am...someone who hopes that people will be nicer, less hurtful and more understanding. Someone who thinks that people won't hurt me or walk all over me. I have to understand that vulnerability is just another human emotion that is hard to pin down, it's hard to come to terms with properly and it's hard to get rid of. I want to be myself, and I want to let people get close to me, even if in fear that they will turn out to be the opposite to what I wanted them to be.
What I'm Wearing:
Jumper: Topshop
Skirt: H&M
Bracelet: Nuvo Niche
